To the dumb bitch that hit my car

Ok, so first of all, it wasn’t my car. Second of all, I do not know said “bitch”. But what I do know is that she hit DS’ car and I, as the rude irrational asshole of the relationship, have the duty (and pleasure) to complain, get pissed and threaten people who fuck with my shit.

Dear Bitch:

I am going to run you over with my car. When you regain coconsciousness I’m going to tell you “well, I honked my horn”. And then I’m going to tell everyone else you came running towards the hood of my car so it’s really your fault you got hit. You’re lucky you hit someone as nice as DS because if it was me, you would have gotten either the hospital or the grave yard…catfish?

Ok, you got me! I’m really not the threatening type, more of the empty threatening type. And I could go on and on about how much I hate the drivers in Minnesota, but here’s what bugs me the worst. PEOPLE WHO DON’T TAKE RESPONSIBLITTY FOR THEIR MISTAKES! Fuck, everyone makes mistakes. People make the mistake of fucking with my shit all the time! But if you can apologize and admit you were wrong, no harm, no foul. People who try to hide their mistakes or make other people take responsibility because they feel guilty or stupid are the lowest kind of people. That includes you, woman in minivan who hit DS’ new car.

So, when you leave work today, don’t assume I have anything to do with your van being on fire. No need to apologize, everyone makes mistakes.

We can’t be friend if you send me pamphlets about Jesus

You love Jesus? Cool. What’s that? Jesus told you to send me pamphlets about him? Not cool.

Ok, so I am very liberal in the sense that I believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions. But...BUT, just because people have this right doesn’t mean I have to agree with it, yes, I have the right to disagree! I’m not down with the JC, but it doesn’t mean I hate you…we just can’t be friends.

For all you self righteous righties who assume I am either un-American or weak for accepting people that share different beliefs than me, shame on you. I can only assume you’re holding a domestic brew and watching NASCAR while your over weight wife cuts the sleeves off all your flannel shirts…unpleasant. Oh, and for all you crazy liberals who hate those righties because they don’t share the same beliefs as you, let it go. Go join a drum circle or something.

Have we all learned something? Good. In conclusion, when you exert so much energy trying to prove how much you hate someone, you just look like that crazy, desperate girl who pretends to hate her ex-boyfriend but really wants him back. You don’t want to be that girl, do you?

If you answered yes, guess what? Yep, we can’t be friends.

Dear Stevens Community, You Suck.

Stevens Community, a community made up of mostly hobos and crack addicts with a few stoners thrown in the mix. Oh, and yours truly. So, how did I end up in such a shit hole? Well, I don’t often share my mistakes with other people, but hopefully you’ll learn something.

First of all, Chris, the guy that showed us the place was super nice and both DS and I fell for his niceness/bullshit. He failed to mention a key point…there’s a homeless shelter less than a block away. Hey, I love homeless people as much as the next guy, ahem. I also fooled myself into thinking that the MIA and MCAD made the neighborhood, uh, more culturally enlightened? Well, not so much, we fondly named the park across from the MIA “Crack Head Park”. So, really besides the burn out art students, the homeless and the pretentious “Circle” assholes of the MIA, what does Stevens Community have to offer? Something for me to bitch about, good enough for me.

Don’t fall for the BS, people! I obviously don’t make the best decisions under pressure and I’m a sucker for a nice person. I tried to deal with the horrible paint job, the lack of parking, the annoying neighbors and the variety of smells that permeated the hallways. I did deal, for a whole year, TA-DA! Just remember, if you live on the top floor, be considerate damn it! Because the next time you start moving furniture at an ungodly time of day I will pound on the ceiling with my broom and you will get no sympathy from me you moron!